Avian adventure

I have a bird tormenting me at work and my sister only wants to know what kind of bird it was.

I don’t know.  It was brown, it was non-descript and it was either eluding me or coming at me.  That’s what kind of bird it.  It avoided the window for the longest time.

So here’s what happened.  First we get a call at the office that there is an animal in the wall of one of the rooms at actor house.  Now I have to tell you that actor house is old, very old.  We call it shabby chic, but I think that’s being very generous.

So with a little saw in hand, I grab and apprentice and meet a colleague at the house.  I look like I know what I’m doing, but for all who know me, it’s a ruse. We climb to the 4^th floor of a house with no central air conditioning and enter the room.  My colleague MB is already there and loaded for bear, she just needed reinforcement and some good tools.  Despite the alleged sighting of a “paw,” we realize that it is a bird that is squatting in the wall.  I close all the doors and open the window while MB starts hacking at the wall.  Luckily, there a closet right there, so at least we have some cover.   After a few false alarms, the bird flies out of the wall, circles a few times and heads out the window.  We’re all feeling pretty good, right about then.  The actor had begged us not to hurt whatever it was and we had achieved that goal and didn’t even have to lie about it – which of course we were prepared to do if necessary.

Sure, we knew we needed to patch the hole wherever these things were getting in, but we thought we were nearly done. Not so fast avian hunter.

Later that night, about 11:30 pm to be exact, I get a phone call.  (Beth skip the time parts for Bub) I have  come to really hate these late night phone calls.  It is a colleague from work and he is either drunk or asleep.  I think he was sound asleep when he got the call.  The bird is back.

When the actor got back to her room after the performance that night, she found that a bird had gotten into her room (for who knows how long) and had shit all over the room.  I would come to find out later that this was more than just a slight exaggeration.  But I digress.

Before I could even get out of my apartment, I got texts from two more people and a phone call from a third.  They were calling out the cavalry, or me. Tag, I was it.

And off I go in what is now becoming an oddly familiar late night ritual. When I get to the house I find the bird has moved rooms into a different actor’s room.  There are now three actors and a bird all equally agitated.

Alright, I say, first let’s close all the doors and open the window.  Why, let it go out into the hall, it can’t go anywhere from there.  Uh, right,  that’s sort of the problem, it can’t go anywhere from there.  I would actually like it to go somewhere, like out.  Oh, okay. One actor has a sheet so as to keep it from going in her closet, the first actor with the original bird incident is explaining how she feels she knows the bird   now, and the third is well, just adding commentary.  Me? I’m armed with the screen to help deflect it out the window.

All of a sudden the first actor asks me if we had really gotten the bird out the first time.  Did I actually see it go out the window?  Are you kidding me? Do you really think we would leave a bird in your room and not tell you and let myself get called out in the night to fix it.  Uh, yes, I said, I saw it fly out the window.  Original actor tells me she is so empathetic she was just sure it would die in the wall.

We spend the next half hour or so chasing the bird around the room and jumping back as it flies at us.  It  is the night before opening, we’re all tired and there are a couple of moment.  At one point, as politely as I can, I tell that them I welcome all suggestions.  I am no expert in bird removal, that they hadn’t taught me that in theatre school.  That actually got an immediate apology from the snippiest one.

Original actor tells me she is going to just grab the bird with her hands, remember, she feels like she knows it.  In my head I’m thinking, go for it lady.  You grab that bird with your hands, just don’t get bitten or I’ll never get to sleep tonight. That’s me.  Tender.

, we capture the bird under a laundry basket, slide the screen under the bottom and take it outside, 4 flights down.  Whatever. Do with it whatever you will as long as it is outside.  I shut the window and follow them down. Hmmm, what’s taking so long outside?  I poke my head out and see two of them wandering around after the bird.  Oy.  Come on in, I say, let me get you set up in a new room and then you can come out and check on the bird. Translation, I would really like to go home, if you don’t mind!!!

Now actor 3 is wanting to look at the new room.  “I might want to move into this one.”  Actor 1 is along for the ride, “I just want to see the room.”  Original actor isn’t sure but says she’ll sleep there.  We’re having social hour and who-has-a-better-room in the middle of the night.  I apologize profusely AGAIN and head on home.

The next day, I find out that the original actor didn’t even sleep in the room.  Surroundings too unfamiliar.  And I need my room professionally cleaned by Sunday, my husband is coming.

The rest is only more tug and pull, give and take.  You’re not doing enough, the patch isn’t good enough, the room isn’t clean enough, the new room isn’t good enough, but the old room sucks.  I won’t bore you with the details other than to say problems at actor house almost make a midnight fire alarm look good.