Grace, good humor and how we live our lives

Forewarning... today is a sad and confusing day. All week really. My friend is dying. I have been so lucky in my life. I have had the best friends ever and I have had so few people in my world die. Many of you know of my volunteering at Grief Camp over the past summers and I've been stunned by how many losses those young lives have encountered. I've been lucky, really. Really. Lucky on both counts. Lucky that I have wonderful friends and lucky that I've lost so few of them.

But my heart is heavy tonight as I'm about to lose another one. This is a friend I met in 1989 (thank you Loretta, as always you are my memory bank). We met at NOW working on a march. She had come to DC from San Francisco to volunteer her time to build for the march. We became fast friends as she has the most amazing sense of humor. We partied and drank and spent far too many hours at Mr. Henry's. She often stayed with us and we would talk and laugh and laugh some more. She has a seriously dry sense of humor and was always willing to laugh at herself first but then was quick to make sure we were all laughing, usually at ourselves as wel. She loved the pets and was one of the few to actually love Maggie, the chihuhua. When she came to DC she would visit with us and when we were lucky enough to visit SF, she was our favorite tour guide. I remember one trip, I think it was a business trip for me, when she and Loretta spent the day in Chinatown watching elaborate Chinese funerals. By the time I caught up with them they were seriously overserved and had had the best day ever. She showed us the very coolest parts of SF and then some.

Having family in MD meant she came east periodically and that was always a treat. More recently, after getting sick, she spent about a year in MD and I was able to visit her more often. She was living about half way between DC and Philly and it was the perfect stopping point for a visit. I'd call her up on a moment's notice, and we would pop out for a meal and have to laugh at our choices in the middle of rural/suburban MD. More than once we scared the bejeezus out of the wait staff at Applebees' or Friendly's when her oxygen tank would start sputtering or frothing or doing something that indicated a massive eruption was on the way. But we would just laugh and assure then it was all under control. Once the waiter would leave we would crack up and hope against hope the thing didn't blow!!!

After moving back to the SF area, her health has taken a turn for the worse. Oh sure, we all knew she was sick. But I for one had no clue it would happen this quickly. But it has. Her lungs are shot and there's not much they can do for her. So in typical fashion, she has taken control and begun to plan and decide her own destiny.

With the most amazing grace and humor, she has decided when and how she would go. She has joked and been serious. She has taken the time to talk with those she loves and I count myself lucky to among them. I have told her I love her. I have told her she made a difference in my life. There's so much oxygen being forced into her right now I can only hope she heard me. Just yesterday she joked that she was like the old SNL episode of the news for the deaf. That I had to yell for her to hear me over the roar in her head. So here I sit, on my sofa, tears rolling down my cheeks, yelling... I LOVE YOU. YOU MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE. I AM SO GLAD I KNOW YOU. I don't know that I offer her any comfort but I am glad I had the opportunity to tell her. I am truly happy that I had the privilege to know this fierce feminist woman who spent her life taking care of others, fighting for others and raising the most amazing daughters.

Her daughters are with her. And just like her, they are exhibiting, the most enduring strength and poise that I could never even imagine. Last night she said to me, "you don't have to adopt them, but will you keep in touch with my girls?" It will be my pleasure, I assure you. Your daughters are wonderful women and through them, you'll live on.

And so my friend, in your passing you are still a force. You are a model of a strong woman who has taken control of her life and her destiny. You will be sorely missed in this world but I have no doubt you'll be raising a ruckus no matter where you land. I wish you peace and smooth passage. I look forward to seeing you in my dreams.

And to my family and friends, I love you. I appreciate you and I'm glad you're in my life. Life is short and we don't all get the opportunity my friend has gotten to plan and prepare for the end. But its how we live that truly matters. So be kind to each other, take care of each other and don't forget about me. There's no greater gift than an email, a phone call, a card. Just one person reaching out to another. Connection is what matters. Being there for each other is what matters. Just being, matters. Put down those blackberrys and cell phones and just spend a little time with the ones you love. That's what matters most. Today matters.