Relativity... its a funny thing

Wow. Its been a long time since I've caught you up. I knew it had been some time but I didn't realize how long.

Its almost a year since I've arrived in Miami. End of October will be the anniversary. Its made me philosophical of late. Some times it makes me a bit down. In my naivete, I never thought it would be a year of planning before we got the clinic open. In hindsight, of course, I understand that to do anything differently would have been insane. And still. Its been a year of working mostly alone, from my apartment in a new city, in a new field. Thank goodness for my healthy sense of denial. I think if I'd known what it would really be like, I would never have made the move. But that would have been all wrong.

Its funny the things you realize. I miss my family. I even appreciate them more. Go figure. Who would have expected that mere distance could make that happen. I haven't lived in the same city as they do for quite some time... and I clearly took for granted my ability to just hop up I95 for a visit. For hanging out and doing nothing. For laughing, the way we do when the family is together.

I miss the theatre. That's a given. I always knew that I was a sucker for the arts but leaving the field has made me realize it all the more. I loved what I did and the people that I was able to touch through theatre. That was the special part. Not to climb up on a soapbox or anything but theatre is truly the ultimate teaching tool. You can travel anywhere, meet all sorts of people and explore any issue with the cloak of drama. It was a dream job and I'm so happy to have had it. But it was time. So missing it doesn't mean that it wasn't time to move on some how.

I miss the mid-Atlantic. Who knew that would happen?? I've really only lived two places in my life before moving to Miami. In Philadelphia where I grew up and in the DC area where I went to school and never left. So this move, in an of itself, has been huge. But so fascinating. I've traveled to other places. I've visited Miami more than a few times... but living here. Its completely different than anything I could have ever expected. Culturally, geographically, ethnically, in every way possible. Even the language spoken every day.

After chafing at the differences, I think I'm finally starting to slow down and listen a bit more. No, its not DC. Okay, we've established that. But its a fascinating, unique and interesting place all on its own. Lots of people told me that I had to give it a year, maybe two. I thought it sounded crazy, but maybe they were right.

One of the hardest things about Miami has been what feels like a very closeted gay community. But as I slow down a bit and listen just a little more closely I realized that maybe there are shades of gray (or gay). That things are not as absolute as I like to make them out to be. I met someone recently who said something that stuck with me. She said, "I don't know anyone that isn't out. But down here, there are gradients of out."

When she first said it, I thought, oh sure. That's always the easy answer. .. shades of gray. But the more I listen to folks' actual life stories I realize I'm not in DC anymore in lots of ways and that "gradients of out" here in Miami can be courageous in its own right.

In many ways its a case of critical mass. How do you get to the critical mass that makes people feel they can take the risk? For many here the stakes are high. Scary high. Families disowning and cutting off contact, community vilification. The worst political insult is still queer, homo, and communist, of course, but I digress on that one. In this 70% Latin community, the conservatism is strong and well. This is not a matter of cowardice but rather could be one of real danger, with real, tangible consequences.

And yet.... and yet....

How do I reconcile this with what I believe to be true? At least for me? Even if it is based on my somewhat lucky life, having lived my adult world in a seriously progressive and accepting city? To remain silent is to give consent. I believe that.

But they're not silent.

Its all about relativity.

I'm learning.

There's just no way to come down here to Miami and impose my belief system on a community that is different from any I ever known. But it is my belief, my way of life that can't be changed any more than I could change the people here. I"m looking for something that I thought wasn't here. But in many ways I was looking past it, over it, around it the whole time. Its here. Its subtle. Its people making thoughtful decisions about who and what to tell more, not just tell. The information is there for the taking... but who will they share it with. Its hard for me. I like my absolutes. But I'm going to slow down and try to see the sights and actually pay attention to what I'm seeing.

A friend told me tonight that I could be Harvey Milk if I wanted to. She couldn't, but I could. I don't want to be Harvey Milk. I'm not sure I want to be a leader at all. I just want to be me and not feel like the odd girl out because of it. But the more I think about the more I think maybe I do have a responsibility. I don't have anything to lose. Not being born and raised here, I have none of the ties that cause those dangers I mentioned. There's nothing they can do to me, I can always leave. So maybe I have some responsibility to lead by simply living my life as I always have. I've looked into a few volunteer opportunities around town and all deep this thinking makes me think that maybe this is the direction I've been looking for. Only time will tell.

Here's what I do know. The journey continues. I'm learning every day about this new city of mine. Its a part of the adventure I never expected. We're hoping to actually open the clinic in October so it might be an anniversary month in more than one way. No matter I'll keep you posted on my progress. Its not necessarily where I'm going... its the way there that counts, right? Then off I go! Let me know what's going on with you!!! And remember, when you need a little getaway... I always appreciate a bit of home in the form of visitors!

Happy new year to all of you... and to me too! May the journey be peaceful, healthy and always interesting!